Until Next Time

Well, here we are – finally at the end of the semester. What a ride.

I’ve been blessed with so many people and opportunities this semester – way more than I could ever deserve. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a group of people that have loved and accepted me for who I truly am. I forgot what it was like to just be myself without overanalyzing my actions or what I say. Not only that, but some parts of me that I thought had been lost were restored. I’ve become more confident in my abilities, and I fight for what I believe in.

It’s crazy to reflect on how far I’ve come as a person since August. I still remember saying to my family and friends, “I’ll be studying in Stirling this Fall,” not realizing how large of a step the experience would be. Not only would I begin my college career, but I’d be doing it an entire ocean away from everything that I had known my entire life. When the time to leave drew closer, I tried to deny the fact that everything was going to change, that I was going to change. I remember saying to my friends, “I don’t want to make new friends. It’s annoying.”

And it was; the first week of summer orientation at Arcadia was icebreaker after icebreaker, which really made me irritated. Even more so, I knew that I would have to repeat this once I landed in Stirling. After facing post-euphoria depression and homesickness, I was at a new low in my life. Not only was I lonely, but I was terrified of the new challenges that were to come.

The first couple weeks while studying in Stirling, my feelings about change still remained. Why do I have to make new friends? I like the ones I have already. This mindset ruled my life and often left me in a bitter mood towards myself and my own insecurities. I tried to portray a confident and proud personality when meeting other people, but on the inside, I was scared, unconfident and embarrassed of my self-expression. The workload of University didn’t help things either (as this is something all students relate to). I began questioning my life choices – and eventually, my faith was jeopardized as well.

I turned to worldly things to ease my frustrations – whether that was procrastinating my assignments and feeding my body poorly or participating in cursed speaking… in my arrogance, I even remember telling myself, I don’t need God’s help. I need to do this by myself. (Even writing that sentence fills me with shame). I pushed God away and put other things first. I didn’t realize how much I was poisoning my body and inviting death into my life.

Fortunately, things changed for the better when I became involved.

When I say involved, I mean this in a couple of different ways;

Firstly, I became involved academically. I realized that my work ethic would directly reflect my grades, so I overcame my stubbornness and laziness. I also learned the responsibilities of taking ownership of my actions, and refused to let myself become unmotivated; to me, giving up was a one-way ticket to failure. I also didn’t let myself become clouded by my doubt; whether I was confident in what I wanted to be or not, all I knew was that this semester, I was studying biology, so I was going to focus on being a biology student for the moment. If I had any doubts about my career, they were going to have to wait until December.

Secondly, I become involved socially. My friends can attest to the fact that I’d never shut up about the trampoline club – it was one of the largest “fuels” (if you will) that kept me going throughout the semester. I challenged myself to learn new things and put myself out there, even though I didn’t want to meet new people…(strange thought: I think it was the mindset of “I don’t care if these people think I’m weird or not, they might not be my friends anyway” that actually made me more confident in the club. How about that… but I digress). One thing led to another, and eventually, they became some of the bestest friends I’ve ever had, whether they knew it or not. I made so many memories in the club… it was probably the #1 highlight of my Scottish experience 🙂

Finally, I became involved spiritually. Whether I liked it or not, my faith was constantly being tested. Most of the time, I failed; however, deep DEEP down inside of me, I knew undeniably that I could not simply “cast away” my faith. I was beginning to realize that God was a fundamental part of my life that could not be moved or swayed by the earthly things that I was drawn to. I realize now in this moment that God was working His plan for me during my time here; He revealed Himself to me as the foundation of my being, and no matter where I am with my life, I always manage to find myself coming back to Him. I won’t say that my faith grew stronger after becoming involved – I admit that for a while, I became stagnant or grew away from God. But what I do know now is that through the entire thing, God didn’t leave my side. In my arrogance and ungratefulness, He still provided for me, tested me, and forgave me.

So…what now?

Now, I’m preparing to return home to my family and friends back in the states after three and a half months of living in Scotland. My bags are almost packed (and almost overweight) of all my belongings, as well as a few belongings from Scotland I’ll be taking with me back home.

I will be leaving something here though; I’m leaving the old me – the me that is too afraid to ask for what she wants, the me that is to stubborn and ungrateful to try new things, and the me that takes time for granted. There’s no room for the old me in my in my future (or my carry-on… seriously, my bags are about to explode).

I hope that I left a strong impression on the people I met this semester, whether good or bad. I hope that I was a light in someone’s life, a ray of sunshine or someone to lean on. I hope that, in some way, I was able to repay the favors that everyone had done for me before my departure.

I’m not good at saying goodbyes, so I’d rather say “Until next time.” 🙂